| It's Coming Down... |
[30 Jan 2007|08:58pm] |
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I Will Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie |
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AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Warning: The following post is an emotional and hormonal rant that has been searching for a listener for far too long and may intereste no one but myself.
I don't even know where to start. My life is such a mess right now. Actually I know it's completely managable but at the present time I'm having a mini break down and can't focus on how to make things right. I graduated in the top 10 of my class, got accepted to Ivy League or equivalent schools in three countries and now I'm taking classes at CCC, how did this happen?? I guess I can accept the fact that sometimes things just don't work out and I'm still young so there's plenty of time for school and everything, I just never would've seen myself here a year ago and I'm totally stressing out. I went through the hassle of finding and applying to schools last year, I don't want to go through that again. I also feel so behind everyone else and that people are disappointed in me...I know I'm pretty disappointed in myself.
In case the stress of catching up in classes here and finding new schools to apply to isn't reacting with my hormones enough lets throw in something else. I have left yet another boy across the Atlantic. My situation with said boy has been a crazy ride since October, especially since he had a girlfriend. After lots of stuff happening and not happening I finally decided to just come to terms with the fact that he may never feel the same about me as I did about him. Then when I was home he broke up with his girlfriend. I went back to pack up my things and finalize affairs with the university and I got to see him again. The night before I left he showed up to my hotel and told me that he loved me. It was the most romantic experience of my life. He said all the things I had secretly wanted him to, it was absolutely perfect...it was literally a night ripped from a chick flick. And then I had to leave. I don't know when I'll see him again. I wanted him for so long and then when he was finally there I had to leave him. It's just not fair.
I know that I'm overreacting to everything (stupid cycle) but all I want is for someone to listen to my story and at least pretend to feel as sorry for me as I do. I tried telling my mom and her attempt to help only made things worse...I feel miserable and for three days out of every month I just want to feel justified in my misery (and eat nachos). I wish I had any idea how to fix my life.
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| It's Coming Down... |
[15 Jan 2007|01:35am] |
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mood |
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Hurt - Johnny Cash |
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
my voice can't handle any more screaming so I'm resorting to textual screaming
SO EFFFFFFFFFING STRESSSSSED
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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| Just Hold My Hand and You'll Understand... |
[04 Dec 2006|06:57pm] |
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I'm the Man Who Loves You - Wilco |
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So some drunk guys pushed me into the road last night and I got hit by a car. Refused to go to the hospital since I had an exam today, got it checked out today...mild/medium concussion but I managed to wake up today so I should survive ;) Just thought I'd keep you in the loop since that's about the only exciting thing going for me right now. 10 more days before my next two exams then it's back on the plane to C-town...hope to see you all muy shortly!!!
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| I Wrote a Song For You... |
[24 Oct 2006|09:30pm] |
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Yellow - Coldplay |
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I'm definately on crazy emotion overload. As a result of some recent and not-so-recent events I've realized how great I have it here and how many people care about me. I've never felt more at home here. Another part of me, however, feels the need to come home immediately. I've been such a bum this week, getting no work done, and all I want to do is curl up on my couch with the people I love watching stupid Halloween movies. I'm going to have very little time to see people when I get home but I would love it if you could all make a pitstop up to my house the day after Thanksgiving so I can see some familiar faces before traveling back.
I never realized there were so many sad songs on my iTunes
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| Why Does It Mean Now... |
[08 Oct 2006|11:10pm] |
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Yesterday - The Beatles |
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My dad visited this weekend. I didn't think it'd be this hard. I know you've all been going through a lot and I in no way am trying to make it seem like I'm the only one suffering, however, you've all seemed to be making new homes where you are which is something I just can't seem to do here.
I spent the entire weekend with my dad, and I stayed at the apartment last night, to the point where it felt like the way things used to be. My dad and I always went on trips together, just the two of us, either for college visits or regular vacations...so it was scary how easy it was for me to just fall back into that swing. It hit me like a brick when I realized that I was going to be left again, that I didn't get to go back home when he did.
My mom called while I was with him and started telling me how Jenny was watching my kids and how much they seem to love her because she can make grilled cheese and how Mrs Tripeny is paying her more and calling her often since she can help Katherine with her math (something I did but was never recognized for). Then I got overwhelmed thinking how Jenny has my life. She's driving my car. She's taking my dance class. She's the lead in the play. She's watching my kids. And she gets it all better.
I know that we can't ever go back to the way our lives were before, and most of the time we wouldn't want to, but now I feel so in between...the home I had is gone and I can't make a home here. And no matter how much I dislike the way things are it was my decision...I made this decision all on my own knowing full well that the other decisions were better.
I almost don't want to come home. It's easier to pretend that this is all I have and I have to make it work by myself than to come back and wish even harder that I could go back and change everything.
I've never hated this place more than when my dad left me here the second time.
end rant.
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| How Can I Be The Only One Without a Smile On My Face... |
[03 Oct 2006|03:17pm] |
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Hey Jude - The Beatles |
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Someone is listening to the soundtrack from Highschool Musical...is it sad that I could recognize the songs on a different floor :X I hate that movie but it makes me think of my kids and how much I miss them....which of course makes me think about home. I am so unbelievably excited to come home for Thanksgiving...I decided to skip classes to come home for a few days because I just couldn't wait until Christmas (even though it's only three weeks earlier) I'm so worried I won't want to come back after being home, I honestly don't feel like a real college student. I feel more like I'm at camp...I've been here four weeks, I tried everything, I'm ready to go home. The back of my brain does realize that nothing will ever be exactly the same as it used to be and that I should be trying harder to make this my home, I just don't know if I'm ready to accept that yet.
On a lighter note my dad is flying over for the weekend and I'm SO excited. He rented an apartment so he can cook for me and I think there's a spare bedroom in case I want a bed one step up from plank-on-springs. It'll also be nice just having him around so I have someone to get out and bum around with...it's generally easier to make plans with people since we're not working around different schedules but at the same time sometimes they have other plans or activities (I really need to put myself out there more :x) I know you probably all covet alone time but since I don't have a roommate I get a lot of it and I'm begining to resent it (but I love my sink)
I guess this was kinda a pointless entry (which is how we all tend to end our entries :P) but with all the talk of going home I just thought I'd throw it out there.
I'm so glad everyone else is enjoying their experience and I look forward to seeing you at Christmas!! (since I have about a day where I'm not traveling in November)
PS...whoever was listening to Highschool Musical has now gone through three different remixes of Sexy Back
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| I Need You Like I Do... |
[24 Sep 2006|09:54pm] |
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Nothing Can Stop Us Now - Tim Minchin |
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SOMEONE DRANK ALL MY MILK
This is why I want my own fridge goddamnit >:O
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| I Feel It In My Toes... |
[22 Sep 2006|11:51pm] |
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Hey Jude - The Beatles |
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So one of those horrible, feel-good, hope for the world kind of posts.
Just kidding...I had a whole ramble about how upset I was today about everything and at everyone but now I don't feel like posting it. I was sad, now I'm not. Good for me.
The Black Dahlia. Read the book. Loved it. Saw the movie. Hated it.
The Gorham family curse never fails...I chose to sit in the middle of an empty row, second towards the back. Two people sit at the end of the row, fine by me. Three people bypass all the empty seats to sit in the seat right next to me. Why???? I was alone!! I thought I was giving off very strong "fuck off" vibes but apparently not. And I can understand why people would sit next to someone and try to be sociable (I didn't want that but I would understand it) but these people didn't. They were content to talk between the three of them with me sitting awkwardly next to them. People bug me. A lot.
But everything is ok because I got my package of Spaghettios and strawberry gummies and $66 worth of other wonderful junk! I had my floormates try some Trix today which they classified as "weird". Sarah asked me "do you really put milk on that and just eat it??" Oh how I've missed sugar. My bottle of nyquil leaked so I poured it all into a glass...it looks rather much like blood :X
That's it for my nonsensical post...I could do with some contact across the ocean so leave me some comments or just go balls to the wall and IM me :)
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| Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes |
[15 Sep 2006|03:44pm] |
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I Will Survive - Cake |
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Ok so I may be the only one who hasn't posted on the whole college experience. It's really different than I was anticipating...mainly because it's different than what you guys are experiencing. To some extent it's exactly the same but it's really hard to describe. I've been going out to clubs with my floor a lot...I'd much more of a staying in kind of person. I don't have a problem with drinking (especially since it's legal here) but I'd rather have a floor party than go bar hopping and standing in line for upwards of half an hour for clubs which are basically all the same.
Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying myself and the people are really nice. I went to one club the other night with a girl on my floor to see this famous DJ...I had no idea who it was but it was still really cool being right next to and taking pictures of someone famous :P
It's so much harder to ajust than I thought it would be, too. I miss lots of little things like snacks and tv shows that don't exist over here. It's harder to relate to people sometimes because our experiences and interests are different since we've been exposed to completely different things...it's cool but sometimes it makes me feel a little distant. I did watch the first disc and a half of Season Two of House yesterday which always makes me feel better. I miss AIM too!! I'm dying not being able to talk to everyone (and it's not so good for my phone bill either) There's one girl who's actually going to come from her flat tomorrow to help me set it up, I'm so excited!
The other night some drunken assholes came into my room at 4 am, dumped packing peanuts EVERYWHERE then threw a box at me. It scared the shit out of me because it had woken me up and something was being hurled towards me...I lock my door now :X I met a guy who looks EXACTLY like Ryan Gosling who bought me drinks at a club...it made me giggle :P
I guess that's all the updating for now...classes start Tuesday and I still haven't found a successful way of getting to my buildings which are a mile and a half away :X
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| The End Is Near... |
[11 Sep 2006|03:19pm] |
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Yellow Submarine - The Beatles |
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>:O
Stupid ResNet is ruining my life. I would be telling you about my uni experience since saturday when I moved in but I'm too annoyed by how incompetant this internet crap is. After three days and a lot of annoying processes the internet is finally working but none of my instant messaging programs can connect
OMG THE UNIVERSITY BLOCKED THE USE OF INSTANT MESSAGING SERVICES AND MUSIC DOWNLOADING PROGRAMS
Wow this is complete bullshit. I'm going to have to leave campus to talk to people!!! I think I'm going to cry....I know it makes me sound like a pathetic internet-addicted loser but being in a different time zone makes it very difficult to talk to people and I'm not a big phone person anyway. Now I'm going to have to find some coffee house at least ten minutes away if I want to chat with people. Wow, I can no believe what complete crap this is. Apparently they did it to prevent viruses from being sent and spread throughout the network but Macs kickass and don't get viruses so I'm extra pissed.
I could really use some pity right now...or a hug but that's more expensive.
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| Try To Kill It All Away... |
[07 Sep 2006|07:12pm] |
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Nobody Needs to Know - The Last Five Years |
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Dear University,
Please start soon so I can stop being alone in this stupid country.
Love,
Meagan
PS:
Dear Corning East High School and IB program,
Please stop sucking, you're making my sister upset.
Thank you.
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| Hello Moto |
[04 Sep 2006|06:31pm] |
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mood |
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Yellow Submarine - The Beatles |
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Soooo my dad and I went around to take care of some business...the day started off pretty rotten when I had to actually wake up :P We tried to get me a bank account so I could pay bills and stuff but they needed a letter from Edinburgh stating officially where I'm gunna live so we booked it over to a bunch of different offices until we finally got to one that told us to come back with a letter from the bank stating exactly what they wanted. Guh. So my dad said he'll leave it up to me :X
We did get to check out the dorms which was pretty cool, I'm pumped for my single but they sent me this giant list today that said things like "there are to be no parties in the dorm rooms, any parties in the kitchen areas must consist of less than eight people and a form must be submitted to the Warden" I was like wtf?? It also says any guests are only allowed to stay a maximum of two days...I'm hoping these are like those rules that are there for safety but no one really gives a crap about (or we'll have to figure something out before you come Aaron :P)
I got a new cell phone, it's pay as you go because apparently I'm not eligible for a monthly plan for another three years and I have to establish credit and all that fun stuff...but it's actually a lot cheaper and I have a great deal for calling America (it's actually cheaper than calling UK numbers go figure) My number is +44 772 677 8653 if you ever feel like a chat or leave me yours and I'll catch up with you from time to time (I also left any of your numbers I may have had on my phone at home so if you just want to remind me that'd be swell too :D) It's a turquoise pebl phone from motorola IT'S ADORABLE :D I miss my LG menus and stuff but this phone is so damn awesome I don't even care :P
Oh well I feel gross from napping so I'm gunna go take another shower...they lost my mommy's luggage so she's very unhappy :( My dad keeps running down the hall to my room to hide from her :X
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| A4 Paper Instead of Toilet Paper |
[03 Sep 2006|07:14pm] |
So I'm here. I've been here for about twelve hours. I'm ready to go home now.
I'm killer tired and kinda bored but I figure once we start doing shopping and all that business I'll get excited again...it just feels so weird that I don't get to go home when my parents do. I guess it's not much different, no matter where you are a lot of you won't be going home often I guess I'm still just a little scared because I haven't moved in yet so I still feel all alone (not like if I was home it'd be any different since everyone is gone :P)
This is just a preliminary post since my dad and I are just trying to adjust to my new time zone. I'm glad that you're all having a great time at school, it gives me hope :P I'd love to send some post cards or something so leave me your addresses if'n you wanna :)
I miss my boy too :(
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| Crying All the Time... |
[29 Jul 2006|12:46am] |
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apathetic |
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Rock'N Me - Status Quo |
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BEN IS HOME :D
Scorchfest is fun!
I miss my boyfriend :(
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